CAUTION...my heart is in love.

So I know a few years have passed since my past blog post....and a lot has happened in my life. One major piece is that I fell in love again. And oh what a feeling that was or should I say is.

After my two year hiatus, and growing from my “cocoon” I thought I was 100% ready and prepared for the next great love of my life. Turns out, it doesn’t matter how much “preparation” one takes before jumping in to the whirlwind we call LOVE, we are NEVER prepared for the storm.

I can honestly say that I didn’t take the routine steps of falling in love. It was more like trying to run as fast and as far away as possible as he chased me. After many fights including the biggest one after he told me those infamous three words, “I Love you”, he was finally able to break down my fortress and the love came whirling in.

I learned a lot about myself during this fighting, chasing, I love you period. Like for instance that I am a runner. I have no idea where this nasty little trait popped up from, but at the first sight of trouble I was grabbing my car keys and taking the fastest route to my house, all while thinking how long it would take me to change my phone number. You see when you have loved so deeply before and been hurt so deeply, you learn how to program yourself without even knowing. Trouble = Pain= Never allow it again and run as fast as you can.

This is a great self defense mechanism, but certainly does not help any relationship. The best part about it is that I never knew when or how this mechanism came to be. But somewhere buried deep in my tiny subconscious the “Run” button has been put in place.

Once you get over the, I know you love me phase. I have found that my “Run” button has gotten smaller. But it has never gone away. One of my favorite sayings is and probably will always be, “Expectations lead to disappointments”. I know that is not one of the healthiest ways to think, but I am starting to learn it’s the truth. I guess maybe I am a little jaded.

The other issue I had that I was not expected to feel, was pure and utter terror. That’s right terror. I knew that I had fallen in deep, regardless of my “Run” button and the HUGE wall that I put up, it was just too late. I had let him in and fallen madly in love with him.

When you are truly in love with someone they have the power to make or break your day. How do we let this happen? They have the power to make you laugh like crazy, or bring tears to your eyes. Again, how do we let this happen? They infiltrate your mind so all you day dream is about them. HOW DO WE LET THIS HAPPEN? It goes back again to no matter how prepared, and strong you are your heart can take over your mind. And as the saying goes…the rest is history.

What transpired for me was a deep, crazy love. A love that I had no idea how to handle, so I just held on for dear life and tried to enjoy the ride.

These past 11 months, have been the most amazing, scariest, happiest, hurtful, unreal months of my life. I have no idea where this relationship may lead to, but it definitely has been one of the best rides of my life. No preparation, planning, or expectations could help me as I braved the mad jungle we call love.

This word Love has completely boggled my mind. No matter how prepared you are, or how much you try to resist it, it can conquer you mind body and thoughts. Even when you know something is bad for you and can cause you harm you still do it all for the cause of love.

I would have to say LOVE is the greatest secret of the universe. Even when it hurts us, we ask for more of it. Hopefully one day I will learn how to conquer it.