I was talking to my mother on the phone the other night, and she bestowed upon me some of her motherly wisdom. Or I guess you could call it her motherly observation. She pointed out to me that I am in my cocoon stage. When she told me that, I took a moment and paused and then totally agreed with her.
You see, I am 31 years old, single and living alone in a state that NONE of my friends live in. And for that matter NONE of my family. I relocated to this "STATE" three months after the biggest break up of my life. I will leave the break up story for another blog, but let's just say that my world was torn upside down, and inside out from it. In one week I had lost my job, my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years, my house that we rented and was living back with my parents. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger ...right??!
So I was very grateful when I received the job offer of my lifetime. The only catch was moving over a 1000 miles away from everything I knew, and everyone I loved. But I had decided to turn my life over to God, and wherever he wanted me, I would go. And he obviously wanted me in this particular state, because he opened every door for me to come here.
So I find myself starting my cocoon phase 6 months ago. Actually I was probably still being a caterpillar 6 months ago. So let's say that for the last 3-4 months I have been in my cocoon. So what does this mean? Does everyone who experiences a broken heart retreat into their cocoon? I don't know, but I hope so.
You see this phase of healing is so important. In the past, I have never allowed myself to retreat into this wonderful, warm, safe cocoon. Why? Because it is also VERY scary. It is so much easier to throw yourself into another relationship, and make them your "cocoon". Isn't that how the old saying goes? "The best way to get over some is to get under someone else"....well for me that is what I have always done, rushed into another relationship because I knew it was so much easier, and forced them to be my cocoon. I still have no idea how he, I, and ALL of my baggage fit into his sudo "cocoon". (Obviously it never really did that is why I am not longer with these guys.)
So for the first time in my life, I am experiencing my true cocoon. Is it scary? Hell yeah! It is terrifying. I have to actually deal with the pain and heartache. But if that was all there was, it would actually be easy. Because the scariest part of my cocoon is figuring out who I am, what makes me happy, how to love myself, why to love myself, what I want out of life, what I want from my next relationship...this list goes on and on. And trust me when I say, I go through these different questions on a daily basis.
Just imagine my cocoon:
1. No dating (trust me it is not because I haven't tried, just no one I am remotely interested in here)
2. Doing whatever it is that makes me happy, sleeping in(when I am not working), watching good movies, comfortable sweats pants...
3. Eating whatever I want to
4. Time by myself...lots of time by myself
5. Cell phone calls to my BFF's and family
6. Staying home on the weekends (since I have no one to go out with)
7. A nice glass of wine by myself. (Just one, if I drink to much the cocoon back fires)
Basically not allowing myself to get emotionally tied to anyone else, or emotionally involved with anyone else. Which is good because I have enough emotions running wild to handle. I am left with a ton of time on my hands to sit and think. Like I mentioned earlier, this can be terrifying.
I would like to say that my cocoon was my idea, and I pushed myself through it. However, I can't take the credit. I am WAY to big of a boob to do this. I have often wondered why on earth I am living in the specific state that I live. There have been many days that I wake up and am shocked and amazed that I am living here. I am a liberal big city girl, that loves the city flare and excitement. Just think of Manhattan and then the TOTAL opposite of Manhattan, that is where I currently reside. But 7 months ago, I threw up my hands and said, "OK God I have tried this my way and it is obviously not working. I am so lost and have no idea where to go and what to do, that I am turning everything over to you. " He knew what I needed was no distractions, no rebound guy, just my cocoon. And that is EXACTLY where he lead me, and why I currently reside in this conservative, nothing to do at night, western state.
So what am I learning in my cocoon? I am learning to be independent. I am learning to live by myself and not feel lonely or afraid. I am learning to laugh by myself and entertain myself. I am learning it isn't that scary or embarrassing to go to a movie by yourself. I am learning to go shopping by myself and have fun doing it. I am learning to cook for one. I am learning how to have a bad day, and console myself. I am learning it feels good to wake up and make your bed, even though you know that no one else is going to see it made, and you will be unmaking it in 10 hours. I am learning it feels wonderful to come home to a clean house, even if you are the only one that will see it's clean. I am learning when I can't reach anyone on the phone to talk to, I can talk to myself and enjoy it. I am learning that I can cry and fall asleep, and when I wake up I truly feel better. I am learning it is OK to not have my heart attached to someone else. I am learning that just because a man currently isn't in love with me, doesn't mean I am not loved. I am learning what it is like when you can feel and almost literally hear your heart healing. I am learning to love myself everyday.
I wonder if caterpillars know that they will soon be in their cocoons? If they do are they scared of what it will be like? Of how different they will be when they come out? When they are in their cocoon are they scared? Does it hurt them to go through this transformation? Do they embrace it?When they are finally a butterfly do they acknowledge that it was all worth it? For me, I had no idea that this cocoon, transformation was coming. Had I known I would have ran away from it as quickly as possible because it is so scary and painful. But I now realize that this safe cocoon is EXACTLY what I need and am embracing it with all of my might. When I fly out a beautiful, transformed woman, I know that I will be leaving my old self and baggage behind.
I hope that if you ever get the chance, you embrace your cocoon as well.
Even though a scar still remains, the pain no longer hurts.
Ms.M
