Why are the words break up so scary? Wait, what I meant to say is why are the words break up so scary for some of us. I have a few friends who can confront this obstacle of life head on and keep it moving without even losing their breath. I am still in awe of this gift they possess. As for me, whenever I have been face to face with this “obstacle” , regardless of if it’s my decision or theirs, I am utterly, indescribably petrified.
Heartache is something, if lucky enough, everyone experiences at least one time in their life. There have been hundreds, if not thousands of books on how to get through it. Since I am starting to find myself a bit of a pro at it I have decided to try, notice the word try, to blog about my current break up experience. In hopes that maybe this incredibly difficult experience might help someone else going through what I am going through, or at the very least make someone laugh, or I guess just make you feel incredibly sorry for me…. or maybe I am going to try to attempt this just for my own self gratification because writing makes me feel SO much better .
I cannot promise a daily blog, because as some of you know when going through a break up you have days when you don’t even want to get out of bed, let alone type a blog. But I figure, what the hell…..so here it goes.
Also for everyone’s sake I will never use anyone’s real names, or try not to use names at all.
Today is officially DAY 1 of my break up. The break up came from me, so I don’t know if that will mean it will be harder than my last, or easier (my last breakup came from him). I guess only time will tell…
This breakup marks the 5th heartbreak in my life. Of course there was my first love, my first love after my first love, the one I dated for 7 years, the one I moved across country with, and now number 5. I would say he was the one I thought was the one. But found out that he wasn’t the one.
So at the young age of 33 some people have asked me what’s wrong with me, why am I 33 unmarried without any kids?! I was even asked this by one of my uncles at the untimely event of my Grandmother’s funeral. With my heartbreak experience, I have to say this is usually one of the first questions you ask yourself….what is wrong with me? Why can’t I make this work? Trust me, I have had at least 3 different conversations with 3 different people today asking this. So if you are experiencing this yourself, all I have to say is STOP asking yourself that right now! It IS NOT YOU- It is THEM. The only thing wrong with us is we have a BAD picker. That’s right, we just picked a guy who was no good or at least no good for us.
I just need to keep telling myself this over and over again. As I am facing my first night without a “Goodnight baby, love you” call, I hate to admit it but xanax will also be assisting me tonight to fall asleep. I don’t see anything wrong with a little prescription help. From experience I know, that lying in bed all night reliving memories, or what if’s is very painful. And I don’t want to go to church tomorrow with my eyes swollen shut from a night full of crying.
Of course I will still have the inevitable thoughts crossing my mind tonight, as I am typing this they are already happening…Is he going to call? What about a text? What is he doing? And if he does can I be strong enough to not answer?
I am not going to go into details as to why I decided to break up, let’s just say it wasn’t my fault, but something that I had to do.
So I will end with , tonight I keep telling myself, short term sacrifice for long term gratification. I know that somewhere out there God has my true soulmate waiting for me. I just have to get through this…..Remember GOD is GOOD!!!! Thank God for unanswered prayers!!!!!
Good Night All!!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
CAUTION...my heart is in love.
So I know a few years have passed since my past blog post....and a lot has happened in my life. One major piece is that I fell in love again. And oh what a feeling that was or should I say is.
After my two year hiatus, and growing from my “cocoon” I thought I was 100% ready and prepared for the next great love of my life. Turns out, it doesn’t matter how much “preparation” one takes before jumping in to the whirlwind we call LOVE, we are NEVER prepared for the storm.
I can honestly say that I didn’t take the routine steps of falling in love. It was more like trying to run as fast and as far away as possible as he chased me. After many fights including the biggest one after he told me those infamous three words, “I Love you”, he was finally able to break down my fortress and the love came whirling in.
I learned a lot about myself during this fighting, chasing, I love you period. Like for instance that I am a runner. I have no idea where this nasty little trait popped up from, but at the first sight of trouble I was grabbing my car keys and taking the fastest route to my house, all while thinking how long it would take me to change my phone number. You see when you have loved so deeply before and been hurt so deeply, you learn how to program yourself without even knowing. Trouble = Pain= Never allow it again and run as fast as you can.
This is a great self defense mechanism, but certainly does not help any relationship. The best part about it is that I never knew when or how this mechanism came to be. But somewhere buried deep in my tiny subconscious the “Run” button has been put in place.
Once you get over the, I know you love me phase. I have found that my “Run” button has gotten smaller. But it has never gone away. One of my favorite sayings is and probably will always be, “Expectations lead to disappointments”. I know that is not one of the healthiest ways to think, but I am starting to learn it’s the truth. I guess maybe I am a little jaded.
The other issue I had that I was not expected to feel, was pure and utter terror. That’s right terror. I knew that I had fallen in deep, regardless of my “Run” button and the HUGE wall that I put up, it was just too late. I had let him in and fallen madly in love with him.
When you are truly in love with someone they have the power to make or break your day. How do we let this happen? They have the power to make you laugh like crazy, or bring tears to your eyes. Again, how do we let this happen? They infiltrate your mind so all you day dream is about them. HOW DO WE LET THIS HAPPEN? It goes back again to no matter how prepared, and strong you are your heart can take over your mind. And as the saying goes…the rest is history.
What transpired for me was a deep, crazy love. A love that I had no idea how to handle, so I just held on for dear life and tried to enjoy the ride.
These past 11 months, have been the most amazing, scariest, happiest, hurtful, unreal months of my life. I have no idea where this relationship may lead to, but it definitely has been one of the best rides of my life. No preparation, planning, or expectations could help me as I braved the mad jungle we call love.
This word Love has completely boggled my mind. No matter how prepared you are, or how much you try to resist it, it can conquer you mind body and thoughts. Even when you know something is bad for you and can cause you harm you still do it all for the cause of love.
I would have to say LOVE is the greatest secret of the universe. Even when it hurts us, we ask for more of it. Hopefully one day I will learn how to conquer it.
After my two year hiatus, and growing from my “cocoon” I thought I was 100% ready and prepared for the next great love of my life. Turns out, it doesn’t matter how much “preparation” one takes before jumping in to the whirlwind we call LOVE, we are NEVER prepared for the storm.
I can honestly say that I didn’t take the routine steps of falling in love. It was more like trying to run as fast and as far away as possible as he chased me. After many fights including the biggest one after he told me those infamous three words, “I Love you”, he was finally able to break down my fortress and the love came whirling in.
I learned a lot about myself during this fighting, chasing, I love you period. Like for instance that I am a runner. I have no idea where this nasty little trait popped up from, but at the first sight of trouble I was grabbing my car keys and taking the fastest route to my house, all while thinking how long it would take me to change my phone number. You see when you have loved so deeply before and been hurt so deeply, you learn how to program yourself without even knowing. Trouble = Pain= Never allow it again and run as fast as you can.
This is a great self defense mechanism, but certainly does not help any relationship. The best part about it is that I never knew when or how this mechanism came to be. But somewhere buried deep in my tiny subconscious the “Run” button has been put in place.
Once you get over the, I know you love me phase. I have found that my “Run” button has gotten smaller. But it has never gone away. One of my favorite sayings is and probably will always be, “Expectations lead to disappointments”. I know that is not one of the healthiest ways to think, but I am starting to learn it’s the truth. I guess maybe I am a little jaded.
The other issue I had that I was not expected to feel, was pure and utter terror. That’s right terror. I knew that I had fallen in deep, regardless of my “Run” button and the HUGE wall that I put up, it was just too late. I had let him in and fallen madly in love with him.
When you are truly in love with someone they have the power to make or break your day. How do we let this happen? They have the power to make you laugh like crazy, or bring tears to your eyes. Again, how do we let this happen? They infiltrate your mind so all you day dream is about them. HOW DO WE LET THIS HAPPEN? It goes back again to no matter how prepared, and strong you are your heart can take over your mind. And as the saying goes…the rest is history.
What transpired for me was a deep, crazy love. A love that I had no idea how to handle, so I just held on for dear life and tried to enjoy the ride.
These past 11 months, have been the most amazing, scariest, happiest, hurtful, unreal months of my life. I have no idea where this relationship may lead to, but it definitely has been one of the best rides of my life. No preparation, planning, or expectations could help me as I braved the mad jungle we call love.
This word Love has completely boggled my mind. No matter how prepared you are, or how much you try to resist it, it can conquer you mind body and thoughts. Even when you know something is bad for you and can cause you harm you still do it all for the cause of love.
I would have to say LOVE is the greatest secret of the universe. Even when it hurts us, we ask for more of it. Hopefully one day I will learn how to conquer it.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Cocoon
I was talking to my mother on the phone the other night, and she bestowed upon me some of her motherly wisdom. Or I guess you could call it her motherly observation. She pointed out to me that I am in my cocoon stage. When she told me that, I took a moment and paused and then totally agreed with her.
You see, I am 31 years old, single and living alone in a state that NONE of my friends live in. And for that matter NONE of my family. I relocated to this "STATE" three months after the biggest break up of my life. I will leave the break up story for another blog, but let's just say that my world was torn upside down, and inside out from it. In one week I had lost my job, my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years, my house that we rented and was living back with my parents. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger ...right??!
So I was very grateful when I received the job offer of my lifetime. The only catch was moving over a 1000 miles away from everything I knew, and everyone I loved. But I had decided to turn my life over to God, and wherever he wanted me, I would go. And he obviously wanted me in this particular state, because he opened every door for me to come here.
So I find myself starting my cocoon phase 6 months ago. Actually I was probably still being a caterpillar 6 months ago. So let's say that for the last 3-4 months I have been in my cocoon. So what does this mean? Does everyone who experiences a broken heart retreat into their cocoon? I don't know, but I hope so.
You see this phase of healing is so important. In the past, I have never allowed myself to retreat into this wonderful, warm, safe cocoon. Why? Because it is also VERY scary. It is so much easier to throw yourself into another relationship, and make them your "cocoon". Isn't that how the old saying goes? "The best way to get over some is to get under someone else"....well for me that is what I have always done, rushed into another relationship because I knew it was so much easier, and forced them to be my cocoon. I still have no idea how he, I, and ALL of my baggage fit into his sudo "cocoon". (Obviously it never really did that is why I am not longer with these guys.)
So for the first time in my life, I am experiencing my true cocoon. Is it scary? Hell yeah! It is terrifying. I have to actually deal with the pain and heartache. But if that was all there was, it would actually be easy. Because the scariest part of my cocoon is figuring out who I am, what makes me happy, how to love myself, why to love myself, what I want out of life, what I want from my next relationship...this list goes on and on. And trust me when I say, I go through these different questions on a daily basis.
Just imagine my cocoon:
1. No dating (trust me it is not because I haven't tried, just no one I am remotely interested in here)
2. Doing whatever it is that makes me happy, sleeping in(when I am not working), watching good movies, comfortable sweats pants...
3. Eating whatever I want to
4. Time by myself...lots of time by myself
5. Cell phone calls to my BFF's and family
6. Staying home on the weekends (since I have no one to go out with)
7. A nice glass of wine by myself. (Just one, if I drink to much the cocoon back fires)
Basically not allowing myself to get emotionally tied to anyone else, or emotionally involved with anyone else. Which is good because I have enough emotions running wild to handle. I am left with a ton of time on my hands to sit and think. Like I mentioned earlier, this can be terrifying.
I would like to say that my cocoon was my idea, and I pushed myself through it. However, I can't take the credit. I am WAY to big of a boob to do this. I have often wondered why on earth I am living in the specific state that I live. There have been many days that I wake up and am shocked and amazed that I am living here. I am a liberal big city girl, that loves the city flare and excitement. Just think of Manhattan and then the TOTAL opposite of Manhattan, that is where I currently reside. But 7 months ago, I threw up my hands and said, "OK God I have tried this my way and it is obviously not working. I am so lost and have no idea where to go and what to do, that I am turning everything over to you. " He knew what I needed was no distractions, no rebound guy, just my cocoon. And that is EXACTLY where he lead me, and why I currently reside in this conservative, nothing to do at night, western state.
So what am I learning in my cocoon? I am learning to be independent. I am learning to live by myself and not feel lonely or afraid. I am learning to laugh by myself and entertain myself. I am learning it isn't that scary or embarrassing to go to a movie by yourself. I am learning to go shopping by myself and have fun doing it. I am learning to cook for one. I am learning how to have a bad day, and console myself. I am learning it feels good to wake up and make your bed, even though you know that no one else is going to see it made, and you will be unmaking it in 10 hours. I am learning it feels wonderful to come home to a clean house, even if you are the only one that will see it's clean. I am learning when I can't reach anyone on the phone to talk to, I can talk to myself and enjoy it. I am learning that I can cry and fall asleep, and when I wake up I truly feel better. I am learning it is OK to not have my heart attached to someone else. I am learning that just because a man currently isn't in love with me, doesn't mean I am not loved. I am learning what it is like when you can feel and almost literally hear your heart healing. I am learning to love myself everyday.
I wonder if caterpillars know that they will soon be in their cocoons? If they do are they scared of what it will be like? Of how different they will be when they come out? When they are in their cocoon are they scared? Does it hurt them to go through this transformation? Do they embrace it?When they are finally a butterfly do they acknowledge that it was all worth it? For me, I had no idea that this cocoon, transformation was coming. Had I known I would have ran away from it as quickly as possible because it is so scary and painful. But I now realize that this safe cocoon is EXACTLY what I need and am embracing it with all of my might. When I fly out a beautiful, transformed woman, I know that I will be leaving my old self and baggage behind.
I hope that if you ever get the chance, you embrace your cocoon as well.
Even though a scar still remains, the pain no longer hurts.
Ms.M
You see, I am 31 years old, single and living alone in a state that NONE of my friends live in. And for that matter NONE of my family. I relocated to this "STATE" three months after the biggest break up of my life. I will leave the break up story for another blog, but let's just say that my world was torn upside down, and inside out from it. In one week I had lost my job, my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years, my house that we rented and was living back with my parents. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger ...right??!
So I was very grateful when I received the job offer of my lifetime. The only catch was moving over a 1000 miles away from everything I knew, and everyone I loved. But I had decided to turn my life over to God, and wherever he wanted me, I would go. And he obviously wanted me in this particular state, because he opened every door for me to come here.
So I find myself starting my cocoon phase 6 months ago. Actually I was probably still being a caterpillar 6 months ago. So let's say that for the last 3-4 months I have been in my cocoon. So what does this mean? Does everyone who experiences a broken heart retreat into their cocoon? I don't know, but I hope so.
You see this phase of healing is so important. In the past, I have never allowed myself to retreat into this wonderful, warm, safe cocoon. Why? Because it is also VERY scary. It is so much easier to throw yourself into another relationship, and make them your "cocoon". Isn't that how the old saying goes? "The best way to get over some is to get under someone else"....well for me that is what I have always done, rushed into another relationship because I knew it was so much easier, and forced them to be my cocoon. I still have no idea how he, I, and ALL of my baggage fit into his sudo "cocoon". (Obviously it never really did that is why I am not longer with these guys.)
So for the first time in my life, I am experiencing my true cocoon. Is it scary? Hell yeah! It is terrifying. I have to actually deal with the pain and heartache. But if that was all there was, it would actually be easy. Because the scariest part of my cocoon is figuring out who I am, what makes me happy, how to love myself, why to love myself, what I want out of life, what I want from my next relationship...this list goes on and on. And trust me when I say, I go through these different questions on a daily basis.
Just imagine my cocoon:
1. No dating (trust me it is not because I haven't tried, just no one I am remotely interested in here)
2. Doing whatever it is that makes me happy, sleeping in(when I am not working), watching good movies, comfortable sweats pants...
3. Eating whatever I want to
4. Time by myself...lots of time by myself
5. Cell phone calls to my BFF's and family
6. Staying home on the weekends (since I have no one to go out with)
7. A nice glass of wine by myself. (Just one, if I drink to much the cocoon back fires)
Basically not allowing myself to get emotionally tied to anyone else, or emotionally involved with anyone else. Which is good because I have enough emotions running wild to handle. I am left with a ton of time on my hands to sit and think. Like I mentioned earlier, this can be terrifying.
I would like to say that my cocoon was my idea, and I pushed myself through it. However, I can't take the credit. I am WAY to big of a boob to do this. I have often wondered why on earth I am living in the specific state that I live. There have been many days that I wake up and am shocked and amazed that I am living here. I am a liberal big city girl, that loves the city flare and excitement. Just think of Manhattan and then the TOTAL opposite of Manhattan, that is where I currently reside. But 7 months ago, I threw up my hands and said, "OK God I have tried this my way and it is obviously not working. I am so lost and have no idea where to go and what to do, that I am turning everything over to you. " He knew what I needed was no distractions, no rebound guy, just my cocoon. And that is EXACTLY where he lead me, and why I currently reside in this conservative, nothing to do at night, western state.
So what am I learning in my cocoon? I am learning to be independent. I am learning to live by myself and not feel lonely or afraid. I am learning to laugh by myself and entertain myself. I am learning it isn't that scary or embarrassing to go to a movie by yourself. I am learning to go shopping by myself and have fun doing it. I am learning to cook for one. I am learning how to have a bad day, and console myself. I am learning it feels good to wake up and make your bed, even though you know that no one else is going to see it made, and you will be unmaking it in 10 hours. I am learning it feels wonderful to come home to a clean house, even if you are the only one that will see it's clean. I am learning when I can't reach anyone on the phone to talk to, I can talk to myself and enjoy it. I am learning that I can cry and fall asleep, and when I wake up I truly feel better. I am learning it is OK to not have my heart attached to someone else. I am learning that just because a man currently isn't in love with me, doesn't mean I am not loved. I am learning what it is like when you can feel and almost literally hear your heart healing. I am learning to love myself everyday.
I wonder if caterpillars know that they will soon be in their cocoons? If they do are they scared of what it will be like? Of how different they will be when they come out? When they are in their cocoon are they scared? Does it hurt them to go through this transformation? Do they embrace it?When they are finally a butterfly do they acknowledge that it was all worth it? For me, I had no idea that this cocoon, transformation was coming. Had I known I would have ran away from it as quickly as possible because it is so scary and painful. But I now realize that this safe cocoon is EXACTLY what I need and am embracing it with all of my might. When I fly out a beautiful, transformed woman, I know that I will be leaving my old self and baggage behind.
I hope that if you ever get the chance, you embrace your cocoon as well.
Even though a scar still remains, the pain no longer hurts.
Ms.M
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