Break Up Day 1

Why are the words break up so scary? Wait, what I meant to say is why are the words break up so scary for some of us. I have a few friends who can confront this obstacle of life head on and keep it moving without even losing their breath. I am still in awe of this gift they possess. As for me, whenever I have been face to face with this “obstacle” , regardless of if it’s my decision or theirs, I am utterly, indescribably petrified.

Heartache is something, if lucky enough, everyone experiences at least one time in their life. There have been hundreds, if not thousands of books on how to get through it. Since I am starting to find myself a bit of a pro at it I have decided to try, notice the word try, to blog about my current break up experience. In hopes that maybe this incredibly difficult experience might help someone else going through what I am going through, or at the very least make someone laugh, or I guess just make you feel incredibly sorry for me…. or maybe I am going to try to attempt this just for my own self gratification because writing makes me feel SO much better .

I cannot promise a daily blog, because as some of you know when going through a break up you have days when you don’t even want to get out of bed, let alone type a blog. But I figure, what the hell…..so here it goes.

Also for everyone’s sake I will never use anyone’s real names, or try not to use names at all.

Today is officially DAY 1 of my break up. The break up came from me, so I don’t know if that will mean it will be harder than my last, or easier (my last breakup came from him). I guess only time will tell…

This breakup marks the 5th heartbreak in my life. Of course there was my first love, my first love after my first love, the one I dated for 7 years, the one I moved across country with, and now number 5. I would say he was the one I thought was the one. But found out that he wasn’t the one.

So at the young age of 33 some people have asked me what’s wrong with me, why am I 33 unmarried without any kids?! I was even asked this by one of my uncles at the untimely event of my Grandmother’s funeral. With my heartbreak experience, I have to say this is usually one of the first questions you ask yourself….what is wrong with me? Why can’t I make this work? Trust me, I have had at least 3 different conversations with 3 different people today asking this. So if you are experiencing this yourself, all I have to say is STOP asking yourself that right now! It IS NOT YOU- It is THEM. The only thing wrong with us is we have a BAD picker. That’s right, we just picked a guy who was no good or at least no good for us.

I just need to keep telling myself this over and over again. As I am facing my first night without a “Goodnight baby, love you” call, I hate to admit it but xanax will also be assisting me tonight to fall asleep. I don’t see anything wrong with a little prescription help. From experience I know, that lying in bed all night reliving memories, or what if’s is very painful. And I don’t want to go to church tomorrow with my eyes swollen shut from a night full of crying.

Of course I will still have the inevitable thoughts crossing my mind tonight, as I am typing this they are already happening…Is he going to call? What about a text? What is he doing? And if he does can I be strong enough to not answer?

I am not going to go into details as to why I decided to break up, let’s just say it wasn’t my fault, but something that I had to do.

So I will end with , tonight I keep telling myself, short term sacrifice for long term gratification. I know that somewhere out there God has my true soulmate waiting for me. I just have to get through this…..Remember GOD is GOOD!!!! Thank God for unanswered prayers!!!!!

Good Night All!!